I’m sitting here, drinking lukewarm coffee, watching my twin baby girls play and entertain each other in their play pen, and my heart feels like it’s exploding.
Ava has a texture ball in her mouth, and is picking up stacking cups, sensory water bottles, and stacking rings. Madelyn is playing with a farm-themed activity center (“Welcome to our learning farm, we have much to show you. Shapes, colors, music too – there’s so much to do!”) They are both very much in the oral fixation stage, and absolutely everything goes into their mouths for exploration.
I split my maternity leave in two, and the second, final stage of it is screaming to an end. I have today, tomorrow, the weekend, and then Monday – back to work I go. I’ll only be in the office 4 days a week, but it’s still going to be such an adjustment – and it’s going to be harder this time around because it’s permanent. I’ve already cried more times this week than I can count – just thinking of leaving them. I never thought I’d want to be a stay-at-home mom – I love adult interaction, using my brain for things not baby related, and I adore my work, my coworkers and my boss. But my heart aches to think of leaving my babies. At 8.5 months, they are little people. They make me laugh (and yes, at times want to cry out of frustration) – but I am absolutely, positively, beyond in love with them.
It took me a while to get here – maybe some moms feel like this on day 1 – but as I’ve shared before, I was so overwhelmed with the sheer task of keeping them alive and myself sane, that I loved them, but I wasn’t necessarily in love with them. But now, all that is gone, and has been replaced with the strongest, purest, bravest, scariest, my all-consuming love.
I’m going to miss them so much when I’m at work. Because it’s not an option for me to stay home (see: big fancy new house), I have realized I need to channel that into being my best self when I’m working. If I’m going to be away from my beautiful babies, I need to make it worth it.
And when I come home, I’m going to eat them up. And cuddle. And play. And breathe in every part of them.
Oh babies, how your mama loves you so.